the court of three sisters

Delight

2012-01-31T20:25:00.000-06:00

Caroline gave me a mug for Christmas this year. Jeff took her shopping and she picked it out all on her own. It's a big mug adorned with pink flowers. She was so proud when I opened it, but that pride pales in comparison to how she reacts when I drink my coffee out of it in the mornings. That reaction -- or maybe more accurately the way that reaction has sustained in the month since Christmas --has really taken me by surprise.

A mug?

Really?

Though she may not even realize it, I know it's not about the mug. It's about me truly appreciating something she gave me. She has a similar reaction when I wear a necklace she picked out for me for Mother's Day last year. It's hard to put into words the way her face lights up when she feels appreciated.

Delighted in.

I may have missed it earlier in life, it's not a new concept, but that word, delight, has been hovering near my heart over the past six months. At a conference I went to with friends in the Fall, I went to a session on raising girls and while there was a lot of great information to take in, the one thing that stuck in my mind was that young girls (and older girls I'm sure) need to know that their parents delight in them. When first spoken, the word conjured in my mind the image of a girl in late afternoon sun, barefoot, with a crown of twisted clovers in her hair, head tilted back as she laughs with her whole self. The kind of laughter that is infectious. The kind of laughter that reminds adults what it's like to be a child. The laugh that makes other people happy.

In the past few days, I've read a couple of things forwarded by friends that drive this point home in a really poignant way for me. One is a post about the importance of how a father treats his daughter and the other is about actually speaking that delight over our children.

Both have challenged me and encouraged me profoundly. And reminded me that in word and deed, even in the seemingly simple act of choosing to drink coffee out of a particular mug in the morning or to wear a certain necklace, I get the privilege of delighting in my girls.

Aggregate

2012-01-30T05:04:00.000-06:00

In the car yesterday evening on the way to the grocery store Charlotte said, "Mama, you and all of this traffic is aggregating me!" I asked her what was "aggregating" her about me all of the traffic, and she said, "Not aggregating Mama! Aggrenaking! Uh. I don't want to talk about it now."

Please pray for me as this child grows up.

Look who's talking . . .

2012-01-29T07:18:00.000-06:00

A mouth full of popcorn has never been cuter, in my opinion:

Weekends are for wishing

2012-01-28T14:57:00.001-06:00

It's a beautiful day here. I hope you all enjoy it.

Our Chatterbox

2012-01-25T12:22:00.000-06:00

Camille is quite the verbal toddler. She says so much -- most of which I can't understand mind you -- but she talks all the time. In keeping with my attempt to catch up on all that's been happening in our lives over the past 6-8 weeks, I thought I'd post this video of Camille's first performance of The Itsy-Bitsy Spider from earlier in the month. It's pretty much genius.

surfacing

2012-01-21T23:26:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest problems with taking an unintentional break from blogging is that I have no idea where to begin when I start back at it.

So, to ease the transition I'll just lead in with a picture of my favorite three year old:

The girls are doing well, they had a great Christmas and New Year. Santa made his visit to the house and girls were thrilled to wake up to a couple of shiny bikes reflecting the Christmas tree lights. And Barbie stuff. Lots of Barbie stuff. Caroline and Charlotte will actually play Barbies together fairly well. Sometimes. Perhaps the sheer volume of all things Barbie aids in getting them to play together; there's not as much actual sharing that has to go on. I think that is key to getting a 6 year old and 3 year old to play well together: don't make them share too much. That sounds terrible, but their styles of play are just so different that getting them to interact while they play leads to frustration and tears. When they can play next to each and interact occasionally, those times are much more pleasant for all of us.

We spent the holidays close to home for the most part. Or for all of it actually. Caroline had a good break from school. I think she was ready for a little break from homework and the stress of being in the first grade, but two and a half weeks seemed to wear on for her. After about ten days, she was acting like she was ready to get back in her routine. With both Jeff and me being back at work and Charlotte and Camille being back at school, the idea of a long break was a little more appealing than it was in practice. But she was glad to be back to her schedule and her friends once she went back. They had an awards ceremony several days after school went back in and Caroline got the "Awesome Attitude" award. I was thrilled for her to be recognize for having a positive attitude school. She's also lost both of her top front teeth, making for a precious, gummy smile from my oldest girl.

Camille is changing by the day and she is walking, albeit a little unsteadily, everywhere, all the time. She is talking more and more. Her favorite word is, of course, "No." With "Stop it!" being a close second. She continues to grow a precious head of dirty blond curls that melt my heart every morning when I pull her out of her bed. She is growing in every other way imaginable as well, she's quickly gaining on Charlotte in both the height and weight categories. I think Charlotte is going to be our shorty, though. A cute shorty, but she's definitely inherited a recessive gene for height.

Speaking of Charlotte, she continues to exhibit her independent, feisty spirit in just about every endeavor she take on. When she first got on her bike, she was excited, but got frustrated fairly quickly with her inability to pedal it fluidly. After a couple of days of trying, she finally got it and she absolutely loves that bike. She took a pretty long ride down the levee with Jeff this past weekend and he was so surprised at her determination to keep going further and further. Charlotte is starting to play independently so much more than she ever has before. She will play alone in her room, singing, dress-up, dolls, Barbies . . .I love to catch her playing without her seeing me. She's a joy as always.

There's the not-so-quick rundown of where we've been over the past six weeks. And here's a little picture of our crew as a reward for getting through all of that:

Four years

2011-12-06T04:06:00.000-06:00

Four years ago today I started the day in a drug inducedhaze, a stupor. My senses were dulledand heightened all at once. I couldn’twill myself awake to speak or to open my eyes, but my hearing was impeccable,enhanced even. Hushed conversations inthe hallway outside my room sounded like shouting. The hurried footsteps echoed in my head.

I was in a hospital room. The same one I entered about twenty-four hours earlier to deliver a babythat had died. The drugs were supposedto make me get some sleep, and they did, but fitfully, teetering on that edgebetween waking and sleeping with the unwelcome side effect of hallucinationsthrown in for bonus.

The sheer horror of the prospect filled my mind for hourswhen I first realized what I would have to do. As if the trauma of being told you have ababy inside of you whose heart is no longer beating was not enough, a few hours later, afterwe had gotten home to let the tragedy sink in, the doctor called to talk to me about next steps. “Ashley, you’re going to have to come back into the hospital to deliver your baby. Wecan do it in the next several days, you can choose when. I want you to think about this while youdecide: I want you to seriously considerholding your baby and saying goodbye to him. Think about it. Pray aboutit.” As I hung up the phone withprobably one of the kindest men to ever don a white coat, I told Jeff what hesaid. “He said that we need to thinkabout holding him and naming him. Heactually encouraged us to do that. Seriously?”

I had never known anyone closely who had a late termmiscarriage or a stillbirth, so this was all new to me. The only frame of reference I had was an ERepisode where Carter and his finance have a stillborn baby. I remember the anguish of watching thatunfold; the agony of the women delivering a baby who didn’t cry. And if memory served me right, Carter’sfiancé wouldn’t hold the baby. Shestared at a quiet crib in the corner of her darkened hospital room, but shewouldn’t hold him.

While my mind was certainly not at its optimal functioninglevel in those days, I had enough sense to know I would never get one moment of this experience back. If I decided not to hold our baby,then I would never get to change my mind once we left that hospital. So we did it. It wasn’t easy, buthonestly after going through labor for twenty-six hours, it felt natural. It felt right in a really wrong situation.

And later that day, I went home. You hear this phrase over and over when youhave a miscarriage or stillbirth; Empty Arms. That trip in the wheelchair from the hospital room to the car was thatphrase exemplified. I knew the looks yougot when you had a little pink bundle in your arms and a smile on your face asthe nurse wheeled you out. I did notknow the looks you get and the feeling of just wanting to close your eyes and just get out of there when they wheel you down with a teddy bear in your arms wherea swaddled baby should be. I don’treally recall much of what happened over the next couple of days other than looking fora place to bury our baby. That and feeling like every person I encountered who was going on withtheir lives was living in ignorantdenial of the fragileness of our lives and the miracle that any of us actuallymake it to birth.

Those days passed and with the help of my loving family, andmost especially the light that came in the form of a little two year old girl who didn’tunderstand what happened and expected her life of laughter and joy and walksand playgrounds to continue. So Ifollowed her lead and slowly waded back into life with the rest of theworld, with all of the people who couldactually watch TV at night and chitchat about weather and car tires.

And it went on from there.

Nothing major happened to break me out of my sadness, I just slowly grieved differently, less publicly, more quietly, more in the inner places.

Four years ago my lens was shifted with a jolt. Reality, religion, truth, faith, trust,dependence, and love shifted mightily in the earthquake of losing a baby.

None of those things have returned to theiroriginal place in me, but I trust that I am better for it today.

That the place of my wounding has been andwill continue to be the place of healing for me – and others too I pray. Genesis 50:20.

That through the storm, I had to decide whetherI would white knuckle myself to the familiar, jump ship and give up, or get out and walk. Matthew 14:28-31

Even today, I’m still learning and processing and trying to figure itall out. And where I stand now is aplace where I can say I am thankful for what this atrocity brought to me – thatnew lens. One that is not nearly so sureof itself, but much more confident in my uncertainty. One that doesn’t assume I have any idea aboutsomeone else’s story – their motives, their heart, their hurts. One that is more likely to press in and ask,even when it is uncomfortable. I am notyet to the point – nor do I know if I will ever be as I walk this earth – whereI have fully accepted losing our baby boy, but today I believe I am four years further down a road that I trust will take me where He is leading.

Sing it

2011-12-04T22:28:00.000-06:00

I read this article with interest on a couple of different levels. First of all, I have two daughters who adore Taylor Swift -- and I apologize to all of you for mentioning her so often lately, but I promise for each time I mention her on the blog, I hear her name at least 2,127 times at home. Second, I have three daughters. The thought of the coming day when they'll "hate" me doesn't sit well with me. I may have said that I hated my mom once or twice in my teen years, but I never meant it and I don't think I acted as though I hated her (most of the time? Mom?). In fact, a large part of what ran through my head when making decisions as a teenagers was wondering what my Mom would think of my choice. That didn't keep me from making really poor choices, but I think it kept me from making even more poor choices.

All of that is to say, I think there is a pressure and expectation that is spoken, unspoken, sung, photographed, and written about in our culture that tells teenagers that it is cool to hate your parents. And if Taylor Swift is a small tick in the opposite direction, then I'm happy to read about it and even happier to play her music for my girls.

Since I've already alienated anyone who doesn't want to hear more about my children's love for Ms. Swift, I'll go ahead and post this video from our ride in the van the other day with the girls singing. FYI, they are both convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that they each sound "just like Taylor Swift."

Guess . . .

2011-12-02T05:45:00.000-06:00

Who

Walking?

At 15 months, one week, I think Camille beat her big sister Charlotte by a matter of days. Let the wildness ensue; they are all mobile on two legs now!

affection

2011-12-01T12:45:00.000-06:00

We started reading Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree Advent Devotional with the girls at dinner on Tuesday night, and I'm praying that we'll be able to continue that all the way to Christmas. I'm hoping that it will help foster some anticipation in them for the coming Christ this year as we walk through the Christmas season.

In case you were worried, they need no help at all anticipating the coming Santa. So, I thought that reading through this devotional each night could help bring us down to the reason we celebrate this holiday.

As we've read through it the past two nights, I have tried to make sure to ask them questions about what I've read as we go, whether it be to make sure they understand a word, or to make sure I explain it to a six year old and three year old in words that they might better grasp. And, as an aside, it's been an interesting scene at our dinner table, Charlotte sitting on my lap, Camille banging on her high chair tray, Caroline with Oreo in hand -- but through all of that I'm reminding myself that in all likelihood they will not remember the words I say and read during this time, but more likely is that they will remember that we took the time to do this.

The devotional last night was entitled "Life begins as a love story." As I read the line, "But it was the affection of God that made all his children (Prov. 8:31)," I asked Caroline if she knew what affection meant. At first she wasn't sure, so I prompted her by saying, "Affection is like love." She responded, "Oh, yes, yes! Affection is like opening your heart." As she said it, she moved her hands across her chest and outstretched them to the sides of her body.

Whoa. Opening your heart - beautiful and poignant especially considering the context last night.

And, by the way, a way better explanation than mine, thankyouverymcuh.

3

2011-11-29T04:56:00.000-06:00

Dear Charlotte:

Today you turned three. It is cliche, but I can't believe you're only three -- I feel like you've been part of us for so much longer than three years. You came into our lives in the wake of a tremendously sad time for me, and I suppose God knew what he was doing because you came into the world full of joy and light. I needed all that you had to give so much.

That thread that runs through you life hasn't changed; you enter a room and light it up. You are the epitome of joyful. You live life fully. You are confident. You know what you want and when you want it. "No" doesn't sit well with you.

You are all girl. You dress up from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep. You hate pants and will wear a dress even if it's freezing cold outside. You hate jackets. Your smile is heavenly and makes my anger and troubles fade quickly. You know this. You are strong-willed. And that will serve you well in life (when you're older).

You love your sisters. You look up to Caroline so much and imitate her words, actions, expressions, and moves. Although the past 15 months have been tough on you as you've slowly relinquished your role as the baby in our family, you keep watch over Camille and make sure we know if she needs anything.

You talk a lot. As in All. The. Time. You love Barbie movies. You want us to get a cat. With "tiny wings." You love mermaids and fairies; they are "your favorite girls."

You are smart. Your knowledge and wisdom and perceptiveness amaze me daily. You love for us to read books to you.

You love to play. Barbies, princesses, Little People, our nativity set -- they are serve as instruments for your incredible imagination.

You love your Papa and me well. Yesterday morning you climbed into bed with Papa after you woke up and snuggled close and talked about your love for your family. Your goodnight hugs are legendary.

Charlotte-girl, you bless me daily with your love and the lessons you teach me You are helping me to be a better parent as I'm stretched to guide and love someone who is so different from me. I admire so much about you and pray daily that God would give me the grace to help you grow more and more into who He made you to be.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl!

Love,
Mama

Advice

2011-11-28T05:45:00.000-06:00

I heard an interview with Francis Ford Coppola on Fresh Air last week. I'm not a huge fan of his -- and by that I don't mean that I don't like his work, I've just never really known anything about him. This interview was really riveting though, and really piqued my interest in his work and him as a person. In the last part of the interview he gave me an enormous surprise when asked about advice to young filmmakers.

His advice to a man?

Get married.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so surprised, but his words really took me aback. I suppose my surprise is at least partially due to a Hollywood stereotype that includes disdain for marriage -- or maybe more accurately, disrespect for marriage. Not that the rest of the country respects it all that much better than Hollywood does, but at least from the outside, there seems to be a pervasive flippant attitude about marriage amongst celebrity-types.

In the interview, Coppola goes on to explain that marriage makes a man a little more responsible and aspire to a more settled life. At least it did for him. Whether his experience extrapolates to the rest of society is an open questions, and a good one I think.

His advice to a woman, however?

Don't get married. Because then you'll have a man wanting you to sacrifice for his career.

So, I suppose for the refreshing-ness of the first bit of advice, he throws in a little status quo too.

Marriage so often gets a bad rap, so his take on it was really refreshing for me to hear. And marriage is hard, without question. But marriage is also a blessing, and it was good for me to hear that from an unexpected place.

The interview lasts about thirty minutes and you can find it here.

Our little singing turkey

2011-11-27T21:08:00.001-06:00

Charlotte and Camille had a Thanksgiving performance at school last week and, as always, it was precious. Here are a few pics of our little Turkey singing her heart out.

small thanksgivings

2011-11-24T20:47:00.001-06:00

"In this counting of thanks, one thousand gifts and more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life... and I testify: 'life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time. Little nails and a steady hammer can rebuild a life...'" - One Thousand Gifts

I read this on Ann Voskamp's facebook feed this morning and it was yet another brick in the wall of true gratefulness that God is building in me. Earlier in the week, I read the following quotation: "you can't be grateful for something you feel entitled to." It hit me hard.

I like to think I'm grateful for all that God has blessed me with, but reading something like that shows me how much I take for granted. How much my heart and mind quietly smolder in ungratefulness. The times I think I don't deserve what I'm getting -- and not in the thankful way. I'm too often entitled. Ungrateful. Unthankful.

Ann's words remind me that in naming the seemingly small gifts that inhabit each moment of my day, I rebuild the life I tear down by taking all of it for granted.

So today, while I am thankful for the big things in my life, I am keenly aware of the small blessings of life:

1. picking up popcorn off of the floor after a night of watching a movie on the couch with two of my girls

2. greenbean casserole stained baby shirt

3. toys scattered all over the floor

4. a very large pile of laundry waiting for me.

P.S. Here are a few of those big things I'm thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

Handy Tip

2011-11-22T05:05:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to share this incredible life tip for a while now and I haven't gotten around to it. So, here goes!

And maybe incredible is too strong, but it has been helpful in the grocery-shopping-meal-planning part of my life.

My friend Allison introduced me to her weekly meal planning system when I was in Nashville a few months ago. She writes a week's worth of meals down on large index cards. So, for one week, she would have a listing of five or six days of the week with the planned meal for that night written next to the day of the week. She keeps a notebook of recipes that she can reference for each of those cards. As she's complied a pretty hefty set of weekly meal index cards, she can just re-use that week in a month or two. That way, once you get a good set of meals down, you can draw from the stack for any given week and grocery shop pretty easily to prepare.

And if I've totally lost you at this point, accept my apologies. I'm not known for my crystal-clear explanations. Actually, I'm more known for my wordy, convoluted explanations.

Taking some liberties with Allison's weekly meal-planning method, I decided to use a three subject notebook instead of the cards. One subject serves as Allison's index cards; in it have several sets of weekly meals set out. Another subject is where I write my grocery lists. Yes, I write grocery lists. Please do not judge.

The last subject is for list for my twice monthly trips to Target. I will inevitably decide I need something from Target right after I've gone there, so the list there makes sure I don't forget over the course of almost two weeks.

And there you have it! Though you wouldn't know it by looking at my word count and extended explanation, this system has really simplified and de-stressed my meal planning and preparing process in the evenings. I just open up my notebook and see what I've scheduled for the week and get cooking. When time is precious in the evenings, my appreciation for all things simple and anxiety-free goes beyond words.

Rearview Mirror

2011-11-21T04:45:00.000-06:00

Smiling faces singing Justin Beiber, Taylor Swift, and Toddler Nursery Rhymes at the top of their lungs.

The oldest picking up a toy for her baby sister without being asked, provoking a big belly laugh from the youngest.

A not-quite-three-year-old rolling her eyes at a red light saying, "This is ridiculous! Come on cars!" (Hello conviction! Good to see you there!)

As we're driving home just as it's getting dark, that same girl saying, "We better get out of here! It's getting spooky out there Mama! But no one get us in this van, right? No, no, no, don't say 'You got it!, say 'Yes, Charlotte, no one get us in here.'"

Watching a six year old lean over to whisper in her two year old cousin's ear, and watching both of them erupt with laughter.

Sisters holding hands.

A first grader, just out of school, eyes bright with joy, telling me all about being "super fast" on the playground at recess.

Three unspeakable blessings filling my mornings, afternoons, and evenings with everyday delight.

And so it begins . . .

2011-11-16T15:05:00.001-06:00

On the way to school this morning Caroline formulated a Christmas list to send to Santa, and one on Charlotte's behalf as well.

New Kicks

2011-11-06T18:36:00.002-06:00

Last week Caroline asked me if she could get a pair of boots, and Caroline rarely asks for clothes or shoes, so I made a point to honor her request this weekend. She tried on several pairs at one store and didn't really love any of them, so we headed off to try another store. We found a few pairs that she wasn't overly excited about, but when I showed her "the pair," she lit up. A huge smile came across her face and she said, "Yes! Those are the ones I want!" She tried them on; they fit perfectly; they looked good and we were off to the check out line (where incidentally, we had to add a couple of pink scarves to our loot).

We headed over to the dollar store a couple of stores down before we left so that she could spend of her own money that was obviously burning a hole in her purse. She picked up a giant coloring book and a box of new crayons for a grand total of $2.18 (bought with mostly nickels and dimes). As we were holding hands walking to the van, she said, "Mama, I think this is the best day! And we are going to look just alike with our boots and my new scarf." Hearing her say that and watching the smile on her face It made me think that it was the best day too.

Never grow up

2011-11-04T11:33:00.001-05:00

We've been listening to A LOT of Taylor Swift in the Beck family lately. In the van, in the kitchen, in Caroline's room - chances are if you are a fly on the wall of our lives right now you'll hear "Speak Now" at some point in the day. Taylor (I'm sure she wouldn't mind me calling her that) has a song on that album called "Never Grow Up." And as a side note, whether you like Taylor Swift as a musician or not, the girl can write a song. "Never Grow Up" is a really sweet tribute to the inoocence of being young, the burning desire kids have to grow up and take control, with a reminder to take the time to enjoy this moment in life - for both parents and kids.

One line that gets me every time says "And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school." I immediately picture Caroline and Charlotte with tousled hair, bare feet, and rosy cheeks from a night spent under the warm covers dancing through the kitchen with early morning light peeking through the blinds, Taylor Swift (ironically?), Justin Bieber (or as Charlotte calls him, "The other Taylor Swift", but that's a whole other story!) playing on the CD player. Camille is bobbing up and down, clapping and "singing" to the music, usually with a bottle in hand in her high chair, watching these two girls she looks up to in every sense of the phrase.

There is so much life that happens in moments like that and it does make me want to tell them to never grow up.At the same time, my response to Taylor's song, is that I long for my girls to grow up, and grow up well, and experience these little moments of their own. It's a much-needed and wonderful reminder that even though part of me wants to keep them small enough to curl up on my lap in the mornings, the other part of me desires so much for them to find their own beautiful lives to live well. And for Jeff and me to have done the job God gave to do for them: helping them to become who He made them to be and teaching them first to love Him, love others, and choose joy.

Baby surgery

2011-11-02T05:26:00.000-05:00

In two senses, our sweet girl had "baby surgery" last week. She got tubes put in and her adenoids taken out after a few months of some rough ear and sinus issues. While I really feel torn about putting a baby under general anesthesia, I have no qualms about the outcome of the surgery.

Camille had a rough few days after the procedure, running a fever and generally a little under the weather, but since the weekend, she's been fantastic. I've written before about what a wonderful disposition Camille has. She's easy-going, loves to laugh, and moves seamlessly from one situation to another. So while the change in her has not been profound, it has been noticeable. She seems a little happier and A LOT more verbal. And that fact hasn't gone unnoticed by her sisters. Today in the car on the way home from school Charlotte said, "Mama! Tell Camille to stop singing with this song! Me not like her saying "La, la, blah, blah!'"

Our little girl is doing great, growing more curls (ah!), and going on her way stealing my heart more and more each day.

And a little more Halloween for you

2011-11-01T21:41:00.002-05:00

Last night the girls had a great time Trick or Treating in the neighborhood with friends. Caroline was Rapunzel once again and Jeff joined her as Flynn Ryder. After a mishap at school with her purple tu-tu, Charlotte couldn't be the purple fairy again, so she was "wedding girl" in a Barbie wedding gown. Camille was our precious baby ballerina again.

I love these girls!

Nice 'Stache

2011-10-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

Where oh where have we been?

2011-10-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

So I'm returning from yet another blog hiatus (and a completely unintentional one). The girls are good and, like always, it will take me a few posts to get caught up on the pictures and stories that I've failed to get on the blog over the past few weeks. Working backwards makes the most sense to me, so here goes on what we did tonight!

I took the girls and a friend to Trick or Treat on sorority row at LSU. The weather was perfect, and I really enjoyed it being on Sunday this year instead of Wednesday. Rushing to get everyone ready after school and work can be a little overwhelming, so I appreciated it being on a weekend for the first time since we've been going. Caroline was Rapunzel, with a wig that was not kid friendly. Charlotte was a "purple fairy" with a pair of wings that was not kid friendly. And Camille was a ballerina with a wholly kid friendly ensemble.

The girls had a great time being out there, getting candy, playing games, and then of course eating some candy along the way. It always seems a little odd when I say it, but Halloween is the holiday that I have some of the fondest memories of from growing up. It was a holiday that meant spending time with a lot of my family, the weather was usually great, and it is a quintessential kid-holiday - walking the neighborhood with friends and family and getting candy. So, even though it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas, it makes me happy to make some of our own happy memories with my own girls for this holiday. And for good measure, we'll be back at it tomorrow night in our own neighborhood.

Lady in the Airport

2011-10-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

I read this post this morning and my eyes welled up with tears as I remembered my own "not enough" moments. And the friends who speak truth when lies are shouting loudly (thank you girls). And the strangers who speak into doubt-filled moments.

Not so long ago, I had my own experience very similar to the one Ashley describes at the Mexican restaurant. As I wrote at the time, when Camille and I returned to Louisiana from Nashville a couple of months ago, the return flight was pretty rough for her. She was tired and the take off hurt her ears and she couldn't get comfortable. As a result, she spent the better part of an hour crying in that cramped filled-to-capacity plane. Though I wasn't overly stressed about it at the time (I had some very gracious and kind seat-mates), it did leave me feeling a little flustered trying to gather all of our things when it was time to get off the plane and head toward baggage claim. After I got her settled in her stroller, she was still mildly unhappy and I did my best to soothe her as we made our way to get our bags. Of course the bags took a sweet forever to get to baggage claim, so even after we made it down there I was walking her around in the stroller, offering her the pacifier, showing toys, walking some more, rocking her back and forth, doing just anything I could to keep her satisfied until we could get to the car where I knew she would fall asleep immediately.

In the midst of me coddling her, a woman came up to me and said, "You're a great mom." I was kind of embarrassed and very taken aback. She went on, "I watched y'all at the airport in Nashville and on the flight here, and I can tell that you are a great, loving, and patient mom to this little girl. I just wanted you to know that people notice that. I did."

Like Ashley said in her post, I fought back tears as I said, "Um. Thank you very much. I really appreciate that."

That unexpected kindness of a strangers was such a sweet and needed reminder that I need to speak encouragement to others as well. I needed that lady's compliment more than I realized and I can't be alone in that. There are people I pass by every day who are in need of a kind word and in His Grace, God opens our eyes to see how we can offer something --often something so seemingly small -- that can do something so big in another person.

My Purple Fairy

2011-10-01T21:02:00.001-05:00

Charlotte is obsessed with the color purple. In the past several months, rarely has a day gone by without her mentioning her love for all things purple. In fact, she's been planning her 3 year old birthday party for quite a while, it is going to be - surprise! - a Purple Party: purple cake, purple ice cream (?), purple food, purple balloons.

So, it came as no shock when she decided that she wanted to be a purple fairy for Halloween. Fairies and mermaids are just as special to Charlotte as the color purple; they are, as she says it, "my favorite girls." As we walked through Target this morning, we came across a costume that Caroline "had to have" to be Rapunzel and a pair of purple wings and a purple tu-tu to make up Charlotte's purple fairy costume. She was beside herself. And that made my day.

My Mom (according to Caroline) Take 2

2011-10-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

Last December I asked Caroline to answer several questions about me. You can see the results of that interview here. I decided to ask her again, not quite a year later. I hate to state the obvious, but I asked the questions, Caroline gave the answers:

1. What is something mom always says to you?
I love you!

2. What makes mom happy?
When I’m sweet and kind and compassionate.

3. What makes mom sad?
When I do something bad.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
You do funny jokes.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
You were sweet and compassionate and you treated others the way you wanted to be treated.

6. How old is your mom?
13, ummm, wait, no, I forget.

7. How tall is your mom?
40 lbs.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Play with me.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
You get sad.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
You would be a famous rock star.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Doctoring people.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
You are good at everything!

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Lawyer

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Corn

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
When you do your job and earn money.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Rapunzel

17. What do you and your mom do together?
We hang out together.

18, How are you and your mom the same?
We have the same skin.

19. How are you and your mom different?
Our eyes are different.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because you always kiss me and hug me.

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
To my school!

dot Mom

2011-09-28T21:59:00.000-05:00

Early, early on Friday morning I made the six hour drive to Birmingham to meet my friend Allison and her friends from church for a weekend conference for moms. And of course Jeff took on taking care of the three girls at home while I was gone, which was a gift. In turn, my Mom gave him a little gift by keeping Caroline and Charlotte on Friday night until after nap-time on Saturday, so it was one big circle of giving so that Ashley could get out of town for a few days.

There is no way I could do justice to all I heard in those two days, but there were a few major take homes for me. None of it is earth-shatteirng; and honestly a lot of the lessons were things I knew, things I had probably told others even, but they impressed something new on me.

First was the truth that God has given this life to me at this time, the husband, the children, the friends, the church, the work, and all else. He's promised that the light He's placed in me will "light up the house." (Matthew 5:15). And the emphasis there that's so important for me, is that He is the light - the light isn't because of some work I've done or some righteousness I've achieved. (John 8:12). It's His light, for his ultimate glory. (Matthew 5:18). For the glory of His Name. (Numbers 6:27).

All of that segues into letting His light shine in and through me as the person He has made me to be. Not the person I want to be, not the person I think I should be, but the person I am. And as I walk in that truth, recognizing that my highest calling is not as a wife or mother, but as a child of God to bring glory to Him. The good things He's given me can easily become counterfeit gods when I lose that focus. As I live that out with my girls, the shape life takes as we do it together will teach them what no Sunday School class ever will.

There is a situation in my life right now that is teaching me a very different lesson from the one I expected. I am starting to see (being forced to see?) that the earthly places I put my trust and my hope will never fulfill in the deep places. The things I expect to make me happy or to make things in my life right, are truly peripheral. Though they may be good things, things to be thankful for, things to love and cherish, they will only fulfill my needs to a point. Placing my focus and maintaining that focus on the One who is central.

Those places that I've walked away from, the places that have held disappointment and yielded results other than the ones I dreamed of, are often the precise places God will use most to speak Truth and Life. In my life and the lives of others. That can sometimes be very humbling and even embarrassing, but the gain more than makes up for losing face in the eyes of those close enough to see.

Basic? Yes.

Truth? Yes.

Especially lately I find that I am re-learing lessons I thought I learned a long time ago, lessons I have since taught to youth kids in different churches, lessons I've talked with friends about.

(Almost none of the words or ideas in this post are my own, and though I can't attribute each line, the bulk of it comes from Angela Thomas, Angie Smith, Vicki Courtney, & Priscilla Shirer)

Beyond those amazing lessons I'm still trying to sift through, I had fun! It was great to be Allison and her friends. As always, I end up leaving saying that I have to figure out a way to spend more face to face time with Allison, she's a phenomenal friend, encourager, and speaker of truth. I need as much of that in my life as I can get!

Oh, and on a completely unspiritual level: the Duggars showed up unexpectedly! They were all in Birmingham for some other reason and were staying at the hotel where the conference was being held. They were minus Michele and the baby, who were in Israel.

I had a chance to run into a group of the kids and the dad in the lobby of our hotel early on Sunday morning. I don't watch the show, but the genuineness and truly kind nature of all of the kids and their father really struck me. Jim Bob was so gracious as lots of people came up to say hello and only excused himself to go talk to Michele on the phone when she called him. I was also struck by the "normalness" of the kids that I interacted with; had I not known who they were, I would have just thought they were four brothers hanging out at a hotel together. Joking, laughing, picking on, and helping one another.

My little songwriter

2011-09-21T04:45:00.000-05:00

At some point in the great history of this blog of mine I wrote about how Caroline often makes up words to songs when she doesn't know the actual lyrics. Lately she's brought that musical philosophy to a new level. She is officially writing her own songs now.

And by writing, I mean singing songs that she makes up as she goes. It is often really telling about what she thinks and observes.

Tonight she was helping me put Camille to sleep and as she was holding Camille, rocking her in the chair in Camille's room, she came up with a little ditty that went like this:

Mookie-moo, you are sweet
You are fine
You are a sugar boo
You are sweet like sugar
But not too much sugar
Because that would make you sick
And you'd feel bad
But you love Caroline and Charlotte
And we are your sisters
And we take care of you
And we will kill anyone who tries to take you
'Cause we don't want anyone to take you.
Rock a bye baby
You are sweet.

First of all -- for background -- "Mookie" is Camille's nickname. And, well, I'm not quite sure what to do with the line about Caroline and Charlotte killing someone. Protective sister anyone?

In all seriousness, Caroline has taken a special interest in Camille lately. It is truly so sweet to see Caroline really want to play with Camille, to hold her, to rock her, to bathe her, and generally just make sure her needs are met. Caroline has always been really gentle with Camille and very protective of her, but until recently her interest in Camille has been pretty attenuated. She might have played with her for a few moments here or there, but if I would let her, Caroline would want to take care of her all afternoon.

It does my mama-heart good to see my girls loving one another and seeing how their relationships are already growing and evolving. And of course it will be nice to share with Caroline her first song written about her youngest sister (even though it did contain a reference to a potential homicide).

enough

2011-09-20T05:23:00.000-05:00

A good friend posted a link to this article on facebook last night. Juggling work and family inevitably brings to me all of the emotions she uses in the title for this piece: guilt, anxiety, exhaustion, and guilt. There It rang so true for how I feel so much of the time.

Guilt about work.

Guilt about family.

Anxiety about whether I've neglected something at work.

Anxiety about giving my kids enough of myself.

Exhaustion from it all.

And then throw in a little more guilt for good measure.

The sentiment that is the undercurrent of it all for me is that I never feel like I'm quite enough for any of it. I'm not as good of a lawyer as the next person who can devote more time and energy to practicing law; I'm not as good of a mom as my friends who stay home; I don't have enough patience; I don't give my job enough of my attention. You get the idea. When you're pulled in a dozen different directions, everyone just gets a piece of you. And more often than not, it's not enough.

And while these thoughts might make it seem like I am wallowing in the doldrums of life - rest assured that I'm not. I value my blessings more than I can say. Each moment is a gift and I am well aware of that fact. I love Jeff and my girls and cherish all of our time together. I am so thankful for a good job with good people who are very understanding of all that my life requires of me. I thank God daily for where He has me. But all of that doesn't erase the feelings that lurk in quiet --and sometimes very loud -- moments.

Flying solo

2011-09-19T05:30:00.000-05:00

Camille got on this little airplane riding toy for the first time the other day, and for whatever reason, it completely cracked me up. She was precious on it, so I had to share.

Also, pay no attention to the smudgy glass in the background. Three girls who love to press their hands and faces on that door make trying to keep it clean it a futile practice. :-)

weekends are for chasing

2011-09-18T20:51:00.001-05:00

This weekend we took the girls out to the levee for a little bit where Caroline learned the hard way that rolling down a hill through freshly cut grass is only fun for a short time and then it becomes a decision you really wish you hadn't made. I think she said, "I'm so itchy! Oh this itches!" about 361 times on the drive home.
It was fun to watch them play though, and I promise that each day that passes, Charlotte works just a little bit harder to be like Caroline. She is like her shadow when we do stuff like this. If Caroline goes down the hill, Charlotte is chasing after her. If Caroline needs some water, Charlotte is right behind her. It is so sweet. Here are the pictures from our little outing.

The fateful roll down the hill

My sweet girls.

Twirl and whirl

2011-09-14T06:27:00.000-05:00

So far in her not quite three years of life, Charlotte has broken all molds of the classic "middle child." She knows what she wants, how she wants it, when she wants it, how you are going make it happen. As a result, she's known a fair amount of disappointment! Charlotte revels in attention and thrives on the time and affection of those she loves. She is truly a joy. A joy who sometimes teaches me a lot about patience and restraint.

And though Caroline is a girlie-girl in so many ways so we've been prepared for Charlotte to follow suit, Charlotte is really becoming a girlie-girl in her own unique, Charlotte way.

She really can't stand to wear anything other than a dress. She might possibly entertain the thought of a skirt, but only if absolutely necessary. Not just any dress will do, Charlotte's dresses must have sufficient twirl, or "spin" as she would say, in order to be worth wearing for the day. Often sitting in her room in the morning coaxing her into some school-appropriate clothing, you'll find me trying to convince her that the dress from Target does indeed spin and the Snow White gown really isn't practical for a day of finger painting and playing on the playground.

And for shoes? If she could wear these Barbie heels daily she absolutely would. I've had to take them forcibly off of her feet before she runs into the backyard to play. The are a broken ankle waiting to happen; I can't chance those shoes in the great outdoors.

celebrating

2011-09-12T22:52:00.000-05:00

**I'm sorry this has taken me so long to post this. One of my cameras wasn't speaking to my computer. Apparently they've made up; here you go**

We celebrated Caroline's birthday with her friends from school at our house this past weekend. She has been asking for a "Tangled" theme party for a while, so we obliged. The girls did lots of just "playing", eating snacks, singing Happy Birthday, eating cupcakes, cake, and ice cream, opening gifts, and eating more cake.

I shamelessly borrowed lots of ideas from Supermom for the party and it all turned out great. Caroline was happy with it all, which is the most important ruler to measure success for her party.

Starting with her invitations, I followed this post for a Rapunzel Tower invitation.

I also made the braid for the door. Caroline was pretty impressed with this touch; in fact it's hanging on her bedroom door now.

The food was pretty simple; snacks that 6 year old girls would enjoy: goldfish, grapes, oranges, bread and cheese. For a little subtle touch of Tangled, I used a couple of cast iron frying pans to serve some of the food. I also made the jello boats and for decoration, the Tangled banner and added Caroline's choices of some store-bought Tangled decor.

The girls colored some Tangled coloring pages and ate snacks as everyone arrived. Our first big activity was climbing Rapunzel's tower (using the "climbing wall" Jeff made for the girls on one of our trees in the backyard). Caroline climbed first to show everyone how it was done with Jeff belaying of course. Then all of the girls who wanted to try took turns making the big climb up. Several of them did it more than once; it was a hit!

After that, the girls honestly had a lot of fun just playing in the back yard: jumping on the trampoline, sliding, swinging, and driving the Barbie Jeep Powerwheels. We had a few other inside activities for the kids who wanted a break from the heat, but it took having ice cream, cake, and cupcakes (the BEST cupcakes ever actually) and then opening presents to get everyone back inside.

Caroline had a great time, had some wonderful friends over, received fantastic gifts, and all in all, hopefully had a memorable 6th birthday party at our house. We love our Caroline!

Gameday

2011-09-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

We headed over to LSU for the first home game so that the girls could enjoy a little tailgating and see the band and Golden Girls. It was beautiful weather spending a little time walking around outside.

It was a great way to spend a couple of hours with my family. And it didn't hurt that all of that walking made for two tired "big girls" and one tired baby.

La De Da, La De Da

2011-09-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

An original song written and performed by Jeffrey Beck, inspired by Caroline Beck's 'round the house ramblings, and enjoyed by and danced to by Caroline, Charlotte, and Camille Beck. Taped by Mama.

You.

2011-09-06T04:58:00.002-05:00

It seems like everywhere I turn lately, I'm reading or hearing about being true to the person I am. People whose work I read, other people whose work I read, people I respect and look up to, people I don't even know. A quote I saw on Twitter sums all of their words up well: "It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation" - Herman Melville.

The theme is the same. And it's nothing new. Be yourself. Yes, that one. The one God made you to be. The one He is making you to be. We need you. And me. And her. And him. When we tell our stories, not the stories of others, not the stories we wish were true - but our stories, it gives life to others. As quoted in this fantastic post that says all of this much better than I could, "Tell your story with all of its shadows and fog, so people can understand their own. They want a leader who’s authentic, someone trying to figure out how to follow the Lord Jesus in the joy and wreckage of life. They need you, not Moses.”

All of these people are reminding me to be the Ashley that I was made to be, not an imitation of those I look up to, not an imitation or emulation or wishing I was more like a person or people I love (or like, or know, or know of), but living out of the heart placed in me.

I know the phenomenon isn't unique to first born children, but for me I think at least in part, my tendency to imitate or harbor quiet jealousy is tied to my people-pleasing nature. Carol Kent, an author and speaker and oldest of six children, says, "I was very used to being in charge, and control came naturally to me. I was a people-pleaser and loved to do things perfectly and to be known as a competent person who 'got the job done well.'"

When I see that something works well for someone else or that someone I love has a passion for something, instinctively I think I'm drawn to it. Though not consciously, I associate the approval, success, love, or passion that another has with the same feeling for me. Sitting here I can of course objectively say that sounds ridiculous, but ridiculous or not, I can't deny reality.

Lessons like this seem to come full circle for me.

Several years ago I gave a talk to our high school kids when Jeff was working at a church in Knoxville that was about John the Baptist. The whole point was to convey that John was a light. An important one for sure, but he wasn't The Light. He was placed in a particular place for an important purpose. Instead of getting wrapped up in being unhappy with where he wasn't placed, he embraced the position he had. He embodied, at least in my mind, "Whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." As one of my good friends and favorite teachers said, "John knew who he was. And who he wasn't".

That is it. Refreshingly simply - but much needed for me - lesson that I have been placed with a purpose in my little corner of the world.

one

2011-09-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

Best. Advice. Ever

2011-08-31T17:21:00.003-05:00

After Camille was born I had more people than I can count ask me, "How do you handle a baby and two active little girls." My stock answer was always, "I just take it one moment at a time." This says what I was trying to convey much more beautifully than my words did.

Just do the next thing.

Pick up the dishes. Type the email. Read the book, Give the bath. Pick up the sock. Chop the onion. Pour the goldfish. Kiss the head. Tie the shoe. Review the contract. Make the lunch.

It is so true that for any of us -- no matter our lot in life -- the entirety of a day or week or hour even can be far too daunting. The next thing, though, just might be possible.

(via Ann Voskamp)

The Things They Say

2011-08-30T05:03:00.000-05:00

Caroline and Charlotte say things on a regular basis that totally crack me up. I don't know whether anyone else would laugh, but they more than entertain me. A couple of recent examples for you:

I was putting Charlotte to bed a few nights ago and while I was rubbing her back for a few moments, she grabbed my hand and looked at me and said, "Mama, we need to find a new park." I replied, "Why Charlotte?" She said, "We need find a candy park and a purple park."

I really had to keep my laughter in until I left her room. I suppose to her 2 1/2 year old mind, the only thing better than a regular park would be a park made of candy and a park completely decked out in your favorite color.

And if you are on Facebook, you probably read this one, but the other night Charlotte came up to me and said, "Mama, you is my best friend, right?" I was so touched that I quickly replied, "Oh Charlotte! You are my best friend too!" Her face lit up and she said, "I not to go bed soon now, okay?"

Well played Charlotte.

Today when we were driving home from school and work, Caroline asked me what the word "jealous" means. I tried explaining it the best I could by saying that it means that you want something that someone else has. She said, "Oh, of course, like I am jealous of fairies because of the portals!" I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just said, "Well, I suppose that's right, but can you tell me more about what you mean?" She said, "Well, you know how fairies have portals in certain secret places to get to the fairy places? Well, I want to find those. Can we find one? Oh! Or . . . WE could make one!"

And yesterday afternoon when Caroline was eating an orange, she spit out a seed and was horrified. She said, "Uhh! A nut! What is a nut doing in my orange!"

I'm sure I've said it at least five million times, but I love these girls. They make my day.

Sisters

2011-08-25T05:00:00.001-05:00

Quick Dinner

2011-08-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago our evening got a little crazy and I didn't have much time to cook dinner. I opened the fridge, hoping and praying that something would magically appear that I could put on the table for my family.

It didn't.

But I did find a can of refrigerated crescent rolls. So I decided to put together some crescent roll sandwiches and they were actually good! I just unrolled the crescent rolls, separated them, and rolled each one up with a piece of turkey and swiss cheese, baked them for about 11 or 12 minutes, and served them to the girls with apples (or in Camille's case, applesauce).

When there is a non-tested dinner that makes all three of my girls happy, it is a major success in my book, so I thought I'd share this simple quick dinner!

And now you're one . . .

2011-08-23T00:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Camille,

Tonight I rocked you before bedtime for old times' sake. For me mostly of course. You will be one tomorrow and part of me had to hold on to eleven months for a few extra minutes tonight. I know nothing magical happens tonight at midnight (or I suppose technically at 2:15 pm tomorrow, August 23rd), but I'm having a tough time saying goodbye to the first year of life with you and hello to the beginning of the second. The joy that your first year has brought me, your Papa, your sisters, and the rest of your family is without limit. You are hands down the most content baby I have known. You move seamlessly into new situations, you are trusting of new people, you take life in stride. I suppose being the youngest of three girls will do that to you, but I have a suspicion that you would have had that easy demeanor regardless of your birth order.

Your laugh is music. You smile with your whole self; your eyes light up, your hands go up in the air, your body moves, and of course your six-and-a-half tooth mouth grins wide. You haven't met a food that you don't like. Except for baby food. You exhibit the same independence with eating that Caroline did and will only allow another to feed you if it is absolutely necessary. If it is possible in any way for your to feed yourself, you will find a way.

You are crawling around like crazy; your little hands and knees take you places quickly. And we have to watch what we leave on the ground, because the inquisitive one that you are, you miss nothing. If it's in your line of sight, you will find it. And eat it. You love paper. No magazine is safe in your presence. Our magazine rack is a magnet for you and we have the torn and crumpled pages to prove it.

Caroline and Charlotte light up your life. You love them in a way that is impossible to describe in words. While for the most part you trend on the serious side, one silly look or smile or laugh from your sisters, and you are in stitches. No one can make you laugh like they do. And you bring out the best in them. They cater to you and help me with you in ways big and small. Of course, they have their moments, and sometimes their "helping" looks more like hurting to Mama and Papa. We're always there to intervene though, and I know the three of you are building a history each day you are together. Nothing makes me happier than to see the three of you together.

You love walks in the stroller, but the wagon is your favorite. You are great about riding in the car. You enjoy watching at the park more than swinging. You love the pool. And your bath. You can play until the water is too cold for your own good.

You love music. YOU LOVE MUSIC. Your body moves with the rhythm of any song that comes on, but you especially love to listen to your Papa play his guitar. You've kind of become a bit of a Daddy's Girl lately, which makes me smile. If you see him, you put your arms out and this morning you even said, "Pa Pa" for the first time. If he pulls out his guitar and walks to the other room, you whine to go join him.

You love me well. Each night when I put you to bed, all I have to do is put your blanky on my shoulder and put your pacifier in your mouth and you lay your sweet head on my shoulder and close your eyes. I often close my own eyes trying to snap a mental picture of that moment. Holding you in the dark of your room next to your crib, your sweet-smelling head under my chin, soft baby breath on my neck. It is heaven.

Sweet girl, you are a gift and I am thankful beyond words to the One who has entrusted you to us. I pray to be a good steward of your precious life and heart.

Love,
Mama

Draw

2011-08-22T06:17:00.000-05:00

The only thing that enabled me to move from the place of being debilitated by losing a baby to being able to function in a semi-coherent way was relying on the Grace of God.

That's so true even with all of the seemingly smaller things in life too though, isn't it? At least it is for me. The kids are sick? Something new at work that I know nothing about? Feeling overwhelmed by all a day holds? A fight with a friend? A new hurdle for one of my kids?

"Father, I choose to draw on your Grace in this moment. I am at the end of myself. You are able."

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Nashville

2011-08-20T11:33:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago Camille and I got on a plane in New Orleans and made the hour and half flight to Nashville to visit our good friends Allison, Jeremy, and Cooper Bussell. We had a great time. Camille was a good travel companion; she did relatively well on the flight there (and I won't hold the flight home against her) and generally kept to her easy-going ways while we were away from home.

It was Allison's first time to meet Camille and my first time to see their new house. We did a lot of just spending time together, talking, laughing, asking and receiving advice on just about everything, drinking coffee, and enjoying our kids.

Cooper was a fantastic stand-in sibling for Camille while she was away from her sisters. It really makes my heart happy to see my kids loving and being loved by my friends and their children. There is something so joyful about looking at where relationships started and how far they've come in time. I am truly so thankful for Allison and Jeremy, words don't do my feelings justice. I treasure their friendship and as I have to say every time we spend time together, I just wished we lived closer to one another.

As always, I failed to get pictures of the grown-ups together, but I did manage to take a few of Camille and Cooper.

We love y'all so much Allison, Jeremy, and Cooper! Thanks for a wonderful trip.

Hilarity

2011-08-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

I know I've said it before, but Camille is the most content baby I know. She trends on the side of being a serious baby, but she loves to laugh. And her belly laugh is music to my ears.

On Campus

2011-08-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

We went over to LSU on Sunday evening to let the girls run around and ride bikes. We tried to visit Mike the Tiger, but he was busy protesting the heat by sleeping in the bushes. It was a nice change of pace from a walk in the neighborhood in the evening and students aren't back yet, so it was pretty quiet and more importantly, traffic-less. Here are a few pictures from our little outing:

redeemed

2011-08-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

In the midst of it all, you live moment to moment, wondering how the rest of the world can just go on like everything is normal. Things that once mattered become trivial; things that once were peripheral become central.

Finally, as the days go on, you find yourself moving forward. Putting one foot in front of the other becomes doable and if you are anything like me, you begin to recognize your need to make sense of it all. Surely this has deeper meaning, deeper impact, all of this labor and heartache must have something deeper for my life? Right? We want our pain, work, trial to be something more. To mean something more. To be bigger than my experience of it. And perhaps to even boldly hope it might bear some fruit.

The promise of redemption speaks to that desire. Redemption says: "There is healing. There is hope. This was not all in vain."

To buy back, to repurchase is what the dictionary will tell you redemption means. What struck me most when I first read that definition is that means that I have to let go of my grief -- loosen my hold. Something can't be bought back from me if I insist on holding onto it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that you have to "get over it"; the offensive phrase that is often said (or implied) with disdain when your grieving doesn't fit into another's preconceived notion of what is appropriate. The best distinction for me is this: I have to move forward, not move on. Walk forward and accept that my lens is changed, my world is different now.

The hardship might be a lost relationship, a loss of a job, financial problems, an illness for you or your child, a strained relationship, the loss of a parent, the loss of a child. We've all known difficulty in on way or another, you can fill in the blank with your own hardship. Though the experiences and the people going through them are wildly different, the thread between them is constant: a longing for the pain to not be vain.

As I read through Isaiah in the Bible, chapter 35 has drawn me back again and again over the past several weeks. It is a picture of coming redemption. It offers promise that those seemingly dry, deserted places will not remain that way. Verses 6-7 say:

Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.
The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.

For me, one of the most striking things about this truth is that not only does the life return to you when you allow redemption to do its work in you, but that your redemption can be life-giving to others. The pool is filled, but it isn't filled just for itself. It is filled to give water to others. There is healing beyond measure when your pain can speak to another; "[t]he way through the pain is to reach out to others in theirs." (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts. p. 199).

So today, I'm praying for my own places of death can see life again, and I even will boldly pray that those places might give some measure of hope and healing to another.

Tiny Desk Concerts

2011-08-11T18:32:00.005-05:00

I've become a big fan of the Tiny Desk Concerts on NPR. And just for fun, here are a few of my favorites:
update: if you are reading this on Google Reader or another feed, you'll have to click over to read the original post to see the embedded player for each musician.

Adele. Her voice speaks for itself. There's not a song on "21" that I don't like and the three songs she sings here are fab.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. You have to watch them. Until you can't look anymore. Seriously, I love the music, but I'm mystified about the love-in-song-festival-ness going on.
(the video for this one won't embed, but you can click here to jump to the NPR page)

Abigail Washburn. The banjo has a special place in my heart after living in Tennessee and she plays it -- and sings -- beautifully.

The Civil Wars. I hadn't seen them actually perform before this and it makes me like them even more than I did when I only heard them sing before.

These are just a few of my most favs. I could add several more to the mix, but seriously, you probably don't want to see a list of twenty TDC videos on this blog that is primarily about my children.

So, if you're interested here's the link to the Tiny Desk Concerts page where you can find, or discover, some of your own favorites.

First Day!

2011-08-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

Caroline started first grade today!

It was a great day. She loves her teacher and being back in school. It probably didn't hurt that she was the girl who brought cupcakes on the first day of school. That's one sure way to endear yourself to other six year olds: bring sugar for the class.

Jeff and I dropped her off this morning and she wasn't nervous or anxious at all, just really excited about a new class, new kids, a new teacher, and lots of learning ahead. When I brought the cupcakes and stayed around the classroom until school was over, she was so happy to show me her classroom and tell me about all that they did today. She was most impressed with "the big kid playground" where she saw all of her friends from last year.

Even though it was her birthday, we made sure she went off to bed as close to her normal bedtime as possible to get geared up to do it all over again tomorrow!

Sans cupcakes of course.

Here are a few pictures from our 6 year old's first day:

Six

2011-08-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Caroline,

You entered the world weighing not quite seven pounds, but the weight of your life is immeasurable. You captured my heart before I even saw your precious face. But each day that has passed the last six years, you've captured it a little more.

You've always been older than your age. At nine months, you seemed more like a two year old. You have wisdom and maturity that your Papa and I can only credit as gifts from God.

You have a love for life that is contagious, a smile that can wipe away the worst mood, a laugh that invites others into your joy. You love to play.

You have energy, determination, and an adventurous spirit that is willing to try new things with a humble confidence that I've seen in few other people.

You are smart and love to learn. When I asked you what you were most excited about as you start the first grade tomorrow, you said, "Fast math!" I am in awe of your talents and gifts and the way you can move seamlessly from playing with Barbies to working math problems for fun to dancing and singing your heart out.

You love to be outside. Especially with your Papa. Y'all are buddies who can always something to explore.

You are a fantastic older sister. Charlotte and Camille are so blessed to have you. Charlotte especially looks up to you so much, imitating everything you do. You exhibit tremendous patience and restratint letting her play with you. You are always my helper with your two sisters and I get compliments all the time about how much you give of yourself to them. And to me and your Papa.

You are beautiful inside and out. You see beauty in others. We were talking about a movie a week or so ago and you asked my why one of the characters was sad; I told you that she didnt' think she was special. Without missing a beat, you exclaimed, "Of course she is special! She is beautiful! And mostly she is beautiful inside. She needs to know that 'man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" You teach me lessons like that all time. You are kind and caring. You are generous and love to serve others.

You have a love for drama, dance, and music that I pray we can continue to cultivate in you. You love to dress up and have imparted that love to Charlotte. One of the funniest activities y'all do together is to dress up and create mini-plays as princesses or super-heroes or cheerleaders. The joy on your face when you are doing the things you love makes me happier than words can express.

Put simply sweet girl, you are the best. I am so thankful to God that He allowed me to be your mother. I pray every single day that He would give me and your Papa the grace to parent you well. To love you fully and to help you become more of who He created you to be. I had no idea the kind of love you'd give to me and the ways that you would mold me and teach me when I first kissed your face six years ago. You are a gift.

Love,
Mama

The Cream Cheese Incident

2011-08-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

I was in Nashville for several days and Jeff braved it alone in Baton Rouge with Caroline and Charlotte (Camille came with me). They had sandwiches from a bagel shop for lunch one day and Charlotte apparently took a real liking to the cream cheese dip that came with the bagel chips. Jeff said it was too funny to get angry and had this photographic evidence of her shenanigans waiting for me when I returned home.

I love this girl.

Take your mark . . .

2011-07-27T21:41:00.000-05:00

Caroline joined the swim team at our neighborhood pool this summer. We weren't sure how well it would go because although last summer she made great strides in her swimming ability, she never felt comfortable keeping her head underwater while she swam. But true to Caroline's nature, she embraced the challenge with gusto and did fantastic. She swam without fear most of time and worked her tail off every time.

At the end of the swim season Caroline won the award for being the hardest working girl on the entire swim team. At 5 (and the only five year old on the team), she was recognized by her coaches for her effort. I can't really put to words how proud I am of her for how well she did this summer, and especially for winning that award. I would truly rather her recognized for working hard no matter the circumstance than winning a blue ribbon each time she went out.

I really learn a lot from my girls, and Caroline teaches me daily to be present in the moment, to love fully, and to take on every task in front of me with all that I have to give.

streching while she waits

practicing her form

And it's time

The Summer of Odd and Varied Maladies

2011-07-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

So far this summer we've dealt with two health issues that, at least in my world, go in the ''weird" box. For starters, Charlotte came down with hand, foot, and mouth disease a few weeks ago. This may be a relatively common childhood virus, but it is definitely torturous and . . . well, weird. The sores in her mouth were apparently excruciating. She wouldn't eat or drink for three days and basically cried when she wasn't sleeping. And when she wasn't sleeping, she just wanted to be held. And holding a feverish, crying two-and-a-half year old is also kind of torturous. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind it one bit, I want to offer my girls whatever comfort I can when they're sick, and I know she was in severe pain, but there was nothing I could do to make it better.

Thankfully she woke up on the fourth day of the plague and asked for water, or more accurately, said, "Me thirsty, me need waler." Those were the five most beautiful words I'd heard in a long time. After spending days trying to get her to take in some nutrition in some form, having her ask for water was huge. We were incredibly blessed that neither Caroline nor Camille came down with it after Charlotte recovered.

Next in line for the Beck girls was Caroline's profusely bleeding ear. Her left ear had been "yucky" for several days (and I'll just leave it at that) and actually bled a little bit once of twice in there. But then on a Friday she woke up with a pool of blood in her ear and dried blood caked to the side of her face. To say the least it was slightly disconcerting. After I cleaned her up she said it didn't hurt, so I decided that she might have some kind of bad infection as it didn't continue to bleed for the next several hours. Then it happened again the next morning, and again the next, and the next. So off to the doctor we went to get Dr. K's diagnosis (and for the record Dr. Mom had diagnosed a ruptured ear drum. Genius, I know.). She concurred with my ruptured ear drum diagnosis, but I think she said, "perforated" in place of ruptured. In any event, she put Caroline on an oral antibiotic and antibiotic droops and wanted to see her back the next week.

We dutifully returned the next week expecting to hear that it was all better because we hadn't seen any more drainage in days. It, however, was not to be, and she sent us off to the ENT with instructions to try to be seen that same day. So we somehow got in that afternoon and Dr. S looked in the ear and said, "Well, it looks like a perforated ear drum, but it's actually her tube that has had a membrane grow over it and now it's trying to get out." Good news and bad news! The good news was that Caroline wasn't going to have to have a graft surgery on her ear drum, the bad news was that it likely still required surgery. As I sit here today though, we've seen Dr. S again and she's hopeful that with continued use of the drops the tube might be able to push it's way out. So, I would appreciate all prayers aimed in that direction!

And on to my sweet Camille. She has bronchitis right now, but other than that, she's been the picture of health. At least as far as this family is concerned. She does seem to suffer from some slight allergies, which is so odd because Caroline and Charlotte have had allergy troubles off and on too, but neither Jeff nor I had allergies as kids. In any event, Camille's issues are pretty under control with a little Claritin each morning. It's so hard to fathom that she's inching closer to one year by the day. Soon enough I'll be frantically planning her party at the very last minute.

Beach Vacation 2011

2011-07-25T22:04:00.000-05:00

Our summer started out on a wonderful note: one playing the tune of crashing waves, sand crunching underfoot, and a fantastic gulf breeze. My mom rode with us down I-10 to Navarre Beach where we met my brother Drew, his wife Amelia, their son Asher, and my brother Neal met us later in the week. Looking back, almost two months removed, the highlights for me are laughing with my family, eating great food, playing in the sand and the waves, and enjoying my girls making memories that I pray stick with them.

I'm happy that we all kind of take on the same rhythm when we get to the beach. Our days start early because there are four children age five and under in the condo, so there's usually a nice morning full of two rounds of coffee, breakfast, and then a morning crew beach run. We set up the tents and take out the beach toys and try to get a couple of hours in the sand before noon-lunch-nap-rest time hits. This year mom usually stayed in with Camille because she needed her morning nap and when I came up to fix lunch and put the other girls to rest, she had her chance to head down. The afternoon brought something different each day because I was juggling Camille (who needed another nap before dinnertime) with Charlotte (who took some extended mid-day naps due to the copious amount of fun she was having out on the beach), and Caroline who almost never actually napped. We did all make it back down to the beach at some point in the afternoon before it was time start planning who was cooking and what we were eating. And I'll have you know that all of the beach conferencing on food and recipes did the trick, because we ate very well while we were there without ever going out to eat.

If I had to choose one word for the vacation, it would be joyous. I love spending time at the beach. I love being with my immediate family out of the hustle of daily life of work, school, and daycare. I love being with my mom, brothers, sister-in-law, and nephew. I love seeing all of my people together, having fun, living, and laughing. It was truly a gift.

Saturdays are for dress up

2011-07-23T10:57:00.000-05:00

Especially overcast Saturdays when Mama needs to clean the house and Papa has a self-inflicted honey-do list to power through.

These pictures are a highlight of about fifteen or twenty costume changes that we've been though this morning. More to come, I'm sure.

Redheads representin'

2011-07-22T12:15:00.001-05:00

Apparently we (redheads) are harder to knock out with anesthesia than non-redheads. If my experience with my last epidural is any indication, I don't want any more anesthesia than anyone else. Ever. Ever, ever again.

Interesting though. And I'll keep note of this in case anesthesia is unavoidable in my future. I don't want to be conscious of any of what goes on during surgery.

Eleven Months

2011-07-22T05:22:00.012-05:00

Well, almost eleven months. Tomorrow she'll officially be one month away from turning one and I am in awe. While it feels like time has slipped through my mama- fingers as I look at these pictures, she's been busy wrapping me around her own chubby baby- fingers.

hiatus

2011-07-21T21:47:00.000-05:00

How exactly do you come back from an unintended two month hiatus from writing and showing pictures of our life?

I'm not sure that I'll be able to catch everyone up on our summer in a respectable way. Since I've last spent time typing out some semblance of a recollection of the story of our lives, we've had a wonderful summer vacation to the beach, lots of swimming at the pool, first swim meets, odd illnesses and maladies, visits with family, drama, dance, and Vacation Bible School, all mixed in with the usual menu of smiles, laughs, and tears (oh, and of course a little work thrown in so that Wells Fargo will stay happy). Pictures and stories to come . . .

The Happiest Baby in the World

2011-05-26T17:05:00.000-05:00

Or at least in my world.

Camille is such a joy. She has a quiet, gentle way about her. A sparkle in her eyes and is quick to give a laugh and smile to everyone who comes her way. She has started to love to play with toys on her own (which neither of her sisters found much joy in) and will just babble and laugh to herself while she plays. And she is a drool-monster lately. Four teeth have come in and there must be more in the wings, because some days she's like a faucet (video evidence below).

My First Grader

2011-05-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

In addition to losing her first (and almost her 2nd) tooth), Caroline finished kindergarten this week. I am so proud of how much she's learned and how she's grown and matured this year. Looking back at pictures from the first day of school impresses upon me just how much she's changing.

And to top it all off last night she had her second dance performance; finishing up her second year of taking ballet. She did great! Pictures to come . . .

Awaiting a Visit from the Tooth Fairy

2011-05-18T21:20:00.000-05:00

My first baby, now over 5 1/2 years old, lost her first tooth today.

The precious little pink-clad munchkin that you see above hit a milestone that, at least to her and her mama, is a big one. I suppose it hits me in a profound way because Caroline is experiencing so much of life right now that I have vivid memories of - my kindergarten teacher, that classroom at Westminster Elementary, playing with friends in the backyard, and most especially today, losing that first tooth. I can close my eyes right now and remember being on the swing, pumping my legs to go as high as those little five-year old legs could get me while wiggling my very lose tooth with my tongue. And in a startling moment, it came out! I can still remember the taste of blood in my mouth and the strange feeling of my gums where that tooth once lived.

Caroline and I talked about it tonight as she was going to sleep; what a big day this was for her, a day that she will be able to close her own mama-eyes, twenty-five or thirty years from now and recall like it was yesterday. She will remember sitting in the living room waiting for her mom to pull that first tooth out of her mouth. And I hope she'll remember the joy she felt when it was out, how she marveled at how tiny that baby tooth was. And for me her intrigue with the size of that little tooth triggered the emotional connection that as my first baby is losing her teeth, my youngest baby is getting her teeth. Those same teeth that are cutting through Camille's gums are the ones that I'll pull out of her mouth and help her place under her pillow five years from now. It's really amazing to think about time and growth and connections and memories.

So, tonight I'm under strict instructions to get to bed early so that the Tooth Fairy can come take that little baby tooth from under Caroline's pillow and hopefully leave a little money in its place.

Monday, note the full set of teeth.

Another shot just for good measure.

And it's out!

Words

2011-04-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

"I write about God because I love Him deeply. And yet because I love Him, I’m afraid to write about Him."

When I read that I stopped in my tracks. Stopped breathing for a moment even. Yes. Those are the words I've been searching for.

I do a lot of writing here about my children and my family and what I read, but I do most of my writing about God in my head and in the little black moleskin in the chair in the early morning in the living room. I've thought and thought about why those words don't flow freely. From there to here. And Shaun's words nailed it.

I don't want to misrepresent Him. I don't want your experience with me, past, present, or future to tint or shade the your vision of God. My failings and woundings and sins are no reflection of who He is; and the part of me that thinks too much and too long and worries too much fears that if I write the wrong thing - or the right thing - that my voice will not represent Him well. And yet, He uses us - me even? - to be hands and feet and smiles and shoulders to those around us.

Yesterday a woman came into my office to have some papers notarized. She was filing for divorce, taking the first step to getting out of an abusive marriage. We went through the motions, reading, signing, explaining, signing, stamping, sealing. When I handed her papers back to her, I said, "That's all you need, these are ready to filed", you would have thought I told her I was handing her a million dollars. She wept and hugged me and said "Thank you, thank you! Thank you Jesus."

I'll probably never see her again, but God allowed me to be a small part in what I hope is a path to her freedom. It was a reminder that a small word, a small deed, a signature, a phone call, an email, can be one thread in the tapestry that God is weaving in another life. And this day, this day of Last Suppers and feet washing brings to mind the One who came to serve and calls me to do the same. Even if I'm afraid that I'll get it wrong.

A Holy Week in Unholy times?

2011-04-18T14:51:00.000-05:00

I read this article this morning and I was so surprisingly affected by his words. The article intertwines history, human nature, and thoughts on how our Creator comes into all of it in a really beautiful way. The issue of certainty and control play a big part in my life right now (perhaps as Mead posits, all of our lives?) and his words were a gentle and honest reminder of how often that biggest need from a human standpoint is truly unattainable.

All too frequently life, work, family, and the world can seem to come at us too fast; it all seems like too much sometimes. This gentle reminder helped put that sentiment into its proper perspective during Holy Week, "It’s the week that came at Jesus too fast: the triumphal entry into Jerusalem on Sunday ended days later in humiliation, torture and death."

It is a bit on the long side, but worth the extra couple of minutes it takes to read it.

Serenity Parenting

2011-04-13T03:34:00.001-05:00

I was thinking yesterday about what the goal of parenting is for me. What is the end I have in my mind as I make the journey of parenting my girls? Honestly, lots of words and ideas came to mind. And when I then found this article yesterday, it was almost providential. Okay, providential might be too strong of a sentiment, but it was timely. As much as I think I can nod in agreement with what he says in the article, my tendency is definitely to err on the side of thinking my nurture has a lot to do with how my kids turn out. So, all of that is to say, I think I agree, at least in theory and in part with what he puts forth, but why is so hard to take that knowledge from head to hands and feet?

Tomorrow

2011-04-12T05:31:00.000-05:00

I promise I know that there is life outside of "Annie", but for one more day, I'll devote some time to my girls' love of all things Annie. They were singing to the soundtrack yesterday, and Caroline's flair for the dramatic and Charlotte's emphatic "Momawah!" were too much for me. So, I had to see if I could have them re-enact it in photo booth. Enjoy.

New at 10:00 . . .

2011-04-11T08:22:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd get a bit more traction out of Caroline's talent show experience by posting this video clip from the news. She makes an ever-so-brief appearance.

In other news, I read this post, and the beginning of it had me nodding in complete agreement over her description of a two-year old tantrum. Caroline didn't really go through too much of the terrible twos - or maybe she did and I've blocked it out of my memory. In any event, Charlotte got an early start on the terrible twos and had a few "moments" this weekend. Her last fit was last night when she decided she did not want to hear anything I had to say and almost made herself sick by screaming and flailing and crying on her bedroom floor. As soon as she was done, she got up, hugged me and said, "Let's read three books tonight." Happen, happen?

Camille is a little under the weather right now and I had to bring her to the doctor on Sunday. The only upside to her getting sick is that I get to see how much she's growing. She weighted 17 lbs, 10 ozs. and was 27 1/4 inches long. Big girl!

Kindergarten's Got Talent

2011-04-08T06:22:00.000-05:00

Caroline's kindergarten talent show was yesterday afternoon. She danced and sang to "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie. This performance was all her own. She decided that she wanted to dance to an Annie song rather than do a ballet dance. Then after watching a few You Tube clips of stage productions of Annie (in addition to the movie which she's watched a few dozen times), she said she had her own dance in mind. She did great! I was really proud of her - and the rest of these five and six year olds - who got up on stage in front of a ton of parents and all of the rest of the kids in their school to perform.

Here's our little Annie:

Confessions of a Mama

2011-04-07T04:31:00.001-05:00

It felt so good to get everything out in the open last week, I thought I'd do it again. Thank you for indulging me. And if anyone wants to join me in this, feel free to leave your own confessions - there's nothing like getting a little affirmation in your perceived failings .. . .

I have finally admitted to myself that all of the baby weight (and, yes, I do mean the weight I gained from all four of my pregnancies) isn't going to lose itself. So, I committed to working out two times a week. Tracy Anderson and I started out the day together for the past two days, so who knows, I might get a wild idea to run at some point in the near future.

Aaaaaand Parenthood strikes again. Oh my goodness. The emotions on Tuesday night's show! It was too much for me. Everyone made me cry this week: Amber and Sarah, Julia and Sydney, Hattie, Adam and Crosby. I haven't watched any other TV this week, so no chance for anything to make me cry.

I had to confront my tendency to hold onto the reins of control this week. Although I truly hate when I have to face my shortcomings (and I know they are numerous), I know it's good for me and those I love - so I am examining myself, trying to keep that tendency to control in check and stifling the urge to say, "Just let me do it!"

In light of the above, I've been thinking a lot about this post. And this one. And this email. Oh, and this post too. I don't want to be so busy trying to arrange things, make things work, and yes, control things, that I miss the moment.

A Girl for All Seasons

2011-04-06T05:12:00.004-05:00

Our first born is growing up so much by the day. She is no longer has any bit of baby left in her, she's all little girl. Caroline is a joy to be around, I know I'm biased as her mother, but I am in awe of her in so many ways. She has a sharp mind, a great sense of humor, she's inquisitive, patient to almost no end with her sisters, and so much more. Right now Caroline is getting ready for her kindergarten talent show at school and she takes ballet and is playing soccer. She has a love for life and all that it has to offer. Her smile and sweet hugs and kisses make my mornings. And my evenings.

Because she and I are both the oldest in our families, I feel like I know a little about what makes her tick, what she needs to hear and receive from us as her parents, and how we can encourage her and what it takes to get her attention. But even though there's a lot of me in her, she is definitely her own person. She has such a love for singing and dancing and anything dramatic, I pray that we cultivate all that God has put in her so that she continues to become more of who He made her to be.

When I pray for wisdom and patience and guidance for raising my girls, I pray it with three little girls' faces in mind. And here are a few of one of those faces doing two of the things she loves.

I love you so much Caroline Jean!

Two by two

2011-04-05T04:55:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I didn't catch all three of the girls in one picture this weekend, but I did manage to get Caroline and Charlotte together and Camille and Charlotte together. That middle child somehow has a way of working her way into everything . . .

Sunday

2011-04-04T04:45:00.000-05:00

We had a good and busy weekend! Caroline had a soccer game on Saturday morning and had a friend come over to play that afternoon. Sunday we went to church and let the little ones nap and then it was off to the grocery store for me! The girls spent a good bit of time outside today too, and this afternoon - as you can see - they made a make-shift baby pool out of the bin we keep the outside toys in.

This week is the kindergarten "talent show." And I'm using those quotation marks in their truest sense. I imagine that this might be more properly titled, "entertainment for the parents show." Caroline has decided to dance for her talent and she has no dance choreographed, she just says she's going to dance to "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie. So, I'll report back on how that turns out! The teachers did at least have the wisdom to limit each child to two minutes. I find that anything, or just about anything that a kid does for thirty seconds is tolerable, so hat might be about one and a half minutes too long for some, but again, expect a full report on Friday!

Charlotte report

2011-04-01T05:40:00.003-05:00

We're almost two weeks out from Charlotte's little three-part surgery. She had her old, yucky tubes taken out, a new set put in, and her adenoids removed. About three days after her surgery when I was drawing her bath water, she covered her ears and said, "Mama! Dat's too loud!" Officially a first for Charlotte! Charlotte saying something is too loud is the very definition of the pot calling the kettle black.

Her speaking voice did seem to lower a few decibels after the surgery, but I am sad to report that her ears must now be accustomed to the "loud" and she's returned to her previous ways. In all seriousness though, I'm happy that our girl isn't dealing with clogged, likely painful ears anymore.

And for good measure, here's another Charlotte story. I take Charlotte and Camille to "school" in the morning on my way to work. We take one of two different routes, depending on the time we leave and LSU traffic. One of our routes takes us through part of the Ag campus where there are cows and horses in fields right by the road. A couple of mornings ago, I said, "Charlotte, look there are the cows." And she replied, "Oh no! No cows! Mama, they are eatin' off the floor! Dat's yuck."

Sticks and Stones

2011-03-31T16:45:00.015-05:00

We all know the saying; we said it as kids when someone said something mean.

But it isn't true.

Words do hurt. In fact, if my experience holds true for others, words that hurt have way of sticking with you more than the kind words do. Words matter. I'm sure each of us can think back to a specific point in elementary school, middle school, high school, college maybe, or even home or work where someone said something that hurt you, and you remember those words well. And though we all would be ashamed to admit it, most of us have probably said something to someone at some point that hurt them badly enough to stick with them.

This video hit extremely close to home for me as the mother of three girls. It breaks my heart to know that this could be Caroline or Charlotte or Camille one day. I've quoted some unknown mother before saying that having kids is truly like having your heart walk around outside of your body. It's so true. When someone hurts them, it hurts me and though my instinct is to do anything I can to protect them, I know I can't protect them from everything. I'm sure that's how this girl's mother feels too.

Seeing this video brought to mind not only how the words we say matter, but also that the words we don"t say matter. When we don't take the opportunity to say something encouraging or kind or supportive, we may be missing the chance to give someone exactly what they need to keep going. There are people who pass this girl each day who may not know her pain and may not say anything hurtful to her, but maybe if just a few people had something positive to say, it could make all the difference in the world. Going through tragdy in my life has taught me that even if it's uncomfortable, it's so much better to say something than to avoid. Take the risk. Press in to other people's lives.

(video via Matthew Paul Turner)

Confessions of a Mama

2011-03-31T05:59:00.000-05:00

I ate eight Thin Mints last night. With a glass of wine.

Picking Camille up in the afternoons is harder for me than dropping her off. I can't not think about all of her day that I missed.

I've cried at two TV shows so far this week: Parenthood (Oh, Crosby and Jasmine and Poor Julia and Joel!) and Top Chef (Richard!).

Once, when Caroline was a baby (a baby who did not sleep particularly well), after getting up with her what seemed to be about every half hour one night, I yelled "Shut! Up!" from bed.

When I was in the check-out line at Target last night, I caught myself searching for news about Brad and Emily on the cover of People and Us. Pathetic? Yes.

Six Months

2011-03-28T05:11:00.001-05:00

Now that Camille is seven months old, I thought I'd go ahead and give an update from her six month check up. Yep, that would be one month ago. She weigted 16.5 lbs and was 26 inches long. She's eating solids now twice a day in addition to her bottles and I haven't found a food she doesn't like yet. Even green beans, which neither Caroline nor Charlotte would touch as babies. Developmentally she's semi-on-track. She's nowhere near sitting up, but she rolls around the room if you'll let her and shows signs that she's trying to add some scooting to the rolling. She has gotten back on track with sleeping through the night after keeping mama guessing on her sleep schedule for a few weeks. She sleeps from about 7:00 or 7:30 until anywhere from 4:30 to 6:30. If she wakes up super-early, she'll go right back to sleep for a little while after her bottle. All in all, she's doing really well, she's truly a joy to have as part of our family. And truth be told, now that she's eating and sleeping in a pretty regular routine, she's probably the easiest member of our family to manage.

Ice Cream

2011-03-27T14:03:00.000-05:00

Every night at dinner we have "dinner question" time. Either Jeff or I think of a question that we all have to answer and Caroline usually chimes in with at least one question too. The questions range from asking about your favorite movie or subject in school to what your dreams were about last night. It's a good way for us to talk to the girls without just asking "how was your day?" That question inevitably gets the response, "Oh, I don't remember."

Caroline thinks that "dinner question" is a lot of fun - both the answering and the asking. Charlotte, on the other hand, is stuck on our very first dinner question from several months ago. The first time we asked it (and possibly a few times since), the dinner question was "What is your favorite dessert?" Charlotte answered "ice cream." Which, by the way, she wasn't even allowed to eat at that time because of her milk allergy. We've slowly been easing milk back into her diet (with pretty good success), so she has been eating ice cream since then - but at the time she had probably only had ice cream once or twice in her life. Ever since that night, no matter what the dinner question, she answers, "ice cream."

Charlotte, what do you like to play on at the park?" "Ice cream." How about your favorite friend at school to play with? "Ice cream." It never fails. I think she gets that it's funny now, so I think she does it for the humor factor at this point, but for a while I think she just thought ice cream was the answer to everything.

And she may have been on to something.

The headless sister?

2011-03-13T20:02:00.000-05:00

I posted this on Facebook last weekend and I finally got around to uploading it to YouTube so that I could share it here. Laugh and enjoy.

Pageant girls

2011-02-28T13:15:00.000-06:00

I find the show Toddlers and Tiaras deeply disturbing on many levels. So, when I saw "Tom Hanks on Toddlers and Tiaras" in my inbox, I was intrigued. This is absolutely hilarious.

On Stage!

2011-02-27T07:50:00.001-06:00

Last night was the Selah concert at First Pes here in Baton Rouge. It was a great show, a great night filled with some really gifted singers and amazing stories. The part of the night that was most memorable for Jeff and me and a certain little five year named Caroline, was when a few audience members got called up on stage and she was one of them!

She was absolutely beside herself to be up there in front of a full house of people. For those of you who don't know Caroline well, she has expressed a desire to be "on stage" as long as I can remember. Whether it involves singing, dancing, or acting, she loves the idea at least of being on stage. While she was definitely a little nervous at first, she got into it and calmed down and really enjoyed herself. And through the rest of the show she kept asking when she was going to get back on stage.

Now her career aspiration is to be "just like Amy" and sing on stage. And in preparation, she's been singing their songs all morning. It was a wonderful night with a memory that I know will stick with our girl, and I'm really thankful for Amy, Allan and Todd taking a few minutes to be interested in a little five year old in Baton Rouge. They were so gracious and it meant the world to Caroline. And her mom.

Peek-A-Boo

2011-02-17T05:23:00.000-06:00

We took the girls out to LSU on Sunday afternoon because the weather so was unbelievably nice. It's a great (free) place for them to run around, ride bikes, and explore, and I can push a baby stroller pretty much everywhere on campus, so it makes it a good all-family outing.

We ran around the parade grounds for while, played around in the quad, went to see Mike the Tiger (who was enjoying an afternoon nap), and ended up back at the Union for a snack before we went home.

As a complete aside, are you aware that there are actual people (college students, no less) who play the Harry Potter broomstick game? On the parade grounds. Where other people can see them. Quidditch (thanks Google!). And it looks to be a pretty fiercely competitive bunch. I'm not sure what to make of that development, but I thought I'd put it out there for everyone's edification.

Our very own "cute character"

2011-02-16T12:12:00.004-06:00

I saw this on 22 Words the other day and the first thought that came to me was, "That's Charlotte!" The descriptions in the poster are spot on for our little girl. No longer a baby, but still with much of what makes a baby so cute, she's a real-life Disney character!

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The National Anthem in a Hysterical Parody

2011-02-09T13:33:00.001-06:00

I could not stop laughing at this today. So funny.

The Deal Is On!

2011-02-09T09:20:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure that all of the family and friends who read this blog of mine are women, but in the event there is a random brother-in-law or male cousin who clicked on over, Groupon is offering one heck of a deal on flowers in anticipation of Valentine's Day (not that you have to use it for Valentine's Day, so girls, feel free to go on and grab this Groupon to use for some other occasion, or figure out a sly way to pass the link on to your husband/boyfriend/significant other).

Here's the deal: You get $40 worth of flowers for $20!

And here's the link.

Rainy days

2011-02-03T05:15:00.000-06:00

Eat. Sleep. Repeat

2011-02-02T16:30:00.002-06:00

That is the life of baby, isn't it? They eat, look around a little bit, smile, play if they are in a good mood, and then it's off to night-night. That cycle has taken on a little bit of a new look in our house over the past week or so.

Although I hesitate to put words to this, I think Camille may have emerged from the newborn sleep phase. And now, just because I said that, she'll go back to multiple wakings in the night. Ever since the beginning of December, Camille's sleep has been of the "two steps forward, one step back" variety. She'd sleep for six or seven hours one night and then she'd wake up every two hours the next night. But for three night now, she's slept through the night. By "through the night" I do mean from about 7:15 or 7:30 until at least 4:30 in the morning. There are no words for how warmly I've welcomed uninterupted sleep back into my life. Sleep is one of those things that you can never truly appreciate until you do without it.

In other news, Camille also has started eating solids! She had a little rice cereal the other morning and actually seemed to like it. Then a couple of days later, I added a little bit of mashed pear to the cereal mix and she couldn't get enough. She whined every time after she swallowed and I didn't get the next bite to her mouth quite quickly enough for her liking. The small joys of introducing a baby to new food are beginning again in our family and I love it.

One of these kids is doing his own thing . . .

2011-01-28T13:12:00.000-06:00

. . . one of these kids is not like the rest. Just another afternoon at the sorority house.

Arts and Crafts Afternoon

2011-01-28T05:15:00.022-06:00

Caroline and I started this craft a while back and just last weekend got back to it. Ours didn't turn out nearly as beautiful as Kristen's, but we had a great time and Caroline loved painting her own beads. We ended up stringing a necklace and a bracelet out of our creations. I think we might have to try this one again and this time, Mama might have to be in charge of smoothing out the beads after Caroline rolls them up. If we can get these beads to turn out a little smoother, I think we'll have a better end result.

Early Risers

2011-01-27T05:30:00.001-06:00

One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-17T08:44:00.000-06:00

I started reading this book about two weeks ago. It isn't long and if you read straight through, it wouldn't take long to read. I've been reading and re-reading and highlighting and underlining and taking notes though. There are parts I just have to revisit several times to make sure I "get" it. I'm still not sure I do.

If you never read her words on her blog before, you'll first be struck by the beauty of the way Ann Voskamp writes. She writes like an artist, using words to paint a beautiful story of truth.

Patio lunch

2011-01-11T00:45:00.000-06:00

The girls got a little outside table and chairs set for Christmas from my cousin and her family. They love it! Last week, they asked to eat lunch outside at the new table. Even though it was a little chilly for eating outside in my opinion, they enjoyed every minute of it. And by every minute of it, I do mean every minute of the entire six minute period of time it took them to eat their sandwiches, chips, and soup.

Geaux Tigers!

2011-01-10T17:03:00.002-06:00

Now that LSU football is over for about seven months, we had to find another occasion to let Caroline wear her three LSU cheerleader uniforms. So, on Sunday, she and I braved the cold and rainy weather and went to cheer on the Lady Tigers basketball team at the PMAC. We had great seats and had a great time. Caroline hasn't ever played basketball, and honestly she just has a special place in her heart for cheerleaders and dancers, but I think the game at least piqued her interest in the sport. As a side note, upon leaving she said she'd rather be a Tiger Girl (dance team) than a basketball player or cheerleader because their outfits are sparkly. Which is probably the best way to choose which path to take in life; who wears the outfit I like the best?

The game itself was good; the team played well and beat Alabama pretty handily (72-43). Caroline, however, especially enjoyed the popcorn, M&M's, and getting to see herself on the big screen no less than three times. She was so bewildered that a cameraman would actually find her in the crowd and put the video of it for everyone to see. If I had been thinking more clearly, I would have at least tried to get a picture of the screen, but this one picture is all I have to show for the outing.

I love my girl!

And a little more sisterly love

2011-01-10T05:01:00.001-06:00

Someone loves her baby sister . . .

2011-01-08T05:04:00.000-06:00

Never say never

2011-01-07T12:04:00.001-06:00

I used to dread driving a mini-van. Now it's kind of my dream to have one. Looks like I'm not alone (obviously I'm in the latter camp).

"The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who, when they have kids, worry they are no longer cool, and those who, when they have kids, think being a parent is cooler than anything they’ve ever done. The latter group will consider a minivan. The former won’t, even if you paint a skull and crossbones on it.”

From this article on Reason.com.

The Birds!

2011-01-07T06:03:00.002-06:00

If you watched Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds when you were younger and were scarred for life, you might want to click away right now.

Jeff took Caroline and Charlotte to the LSU lakes on Saturday to feed the ducks and they were completely overwhelmed by feathered friends of all kinds. Swans, ducks, geese, sea gulls, and I'm sure some other bird life as well.

The video gives you the full effect with sounds and sights. If you're in the bird fear camp with me, you might want to just scroll on down to the decidedly more serene pictures.

Epiphany - I love definition 1

2011-01-06T14:07:00.018-06:00

I don't know if I've ever been struck by a definition the way I was when I decided to find out what Webster's had to say about today:

epiph·a·ny

noun \i-ˈpi-fə-nē\

plural epiph·a·nies

EPIPHANY

1: capitalized : January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles or in the Eastern Church in commemoration of the baptism of Christ

2: an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being

3: a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment

Four months!

2011-01-06T12:00:00.000-06:00

Camille is a little over four months old now - this post is very late in coming; I started it the day after her four month check up.

Just to update y'all on her stats: she weighs 12 lbs., 15 oz. and even though she seems like she's spitting up an inordinate amount of what she eats now that she's getting formula for some of her feedings, she's gaining weight well. She's 25 inches long and her head is 41 cm around. Those measurements put her in the 25th - 50th percentile for weight, 75th for length, and 50th for her head. She's basically right on the same growth trajectory as Caroline was at her age.

She's doing well for the most part. She's happy and smiles when we play with her, or when one of us comes into the room. She's sitting up in her bumbo much better now, so it seems her head and neck control is improving. Camille can't roll over yet, but I told the doctor that her floor time is necessarily limited because Charlotte thinks it's play time when Camille is on her mat on the floor. We're trying to work on getting her a little tummy time and back time as much as possible though.

Here are a few pictures from the day she turned four months old - she's even changed since then, so I'll get some more pictures up soon!

Everyone has a story

2011-01-05T11:29:00.002-06:00

Fairly often, I encounter people or events that remind of the truth that everyone has a story. Each person I pass on the street or interact with during the day, they all have a story. Each person is someone's child, someone's sister or brother, mother or father. This video was a welcome reminder of that for me today:

Update: It looks like this guy's dream is coming true.

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree

2010-12-29T06:03:00.000-06:00

On Christmas Day afternoon we spent time at my aunt's house and we were exposed to Rock Band for the first time. The girls had so much fun pretending they knew the words to Beatles songs. And we all had fun watching them. The grown-ups were pretty entertaining as well, albeit a little better at actually, you know, playing the game.

As a side note: Charlotte will likely kill me one day for posting these pictures of her looking rather androgynous (read: like a little boy from the 70's) as a two year old for all of the internets to see.

Hey Good Lookin'

2010-12-28T21:54:00.000-06:00

We had a great Christmas! Sorry for the late post, but I just put the pictures from the past week onto the computer.

Caroline woke up bright and early on Christmas morning and came to Camille's room where I was feeding her to let me know in a whisper-y scream that SANTA CAME AND BROUGHT ME A KITCHEN! We let Charlotte sleep a little longer and woke her up around 6:15 so that Caroline wouldn't have to be tortured anymore by ALL OF THE WAITING.

And Caroline was right, Santa did bring the girls a kitchen, pots and pans, and all kinds of food. Santa definitely went out on a limb getting the girls a joint gift, but it is already proven to be something they will each play with separately and even together with minimal fighting.

They each also got some individual gifts as well, so when the kitchen provides a little too much togetherness, each girl has something of her own to play with. Charlotte's big gift was a tricycle, which she looks adorable on, but I'm sad to report that I haven't taken a picture of her on it yet. Caroline's comparable gift was a baby seat for the back of her bike, so she can take her baby dolls out on bike rides. Again, no picture of that just yet either. And you'll all be happy to know that the immediate hit of all of the gifts were the $5 zhu zhu pets Santa found at the last minute at CVS. Those robot hamsters (are they hamsters?) provided some serious entertainment at about 6:45AM on Saturday!

On to the gift I did manage to take pictures of!

Exhibit A: Minimal fighting ensues

Chef Charlotte working the wooden knife

Chef Caroline in action