five

Today marks five years since we lost our baby Joshua.  Marking this occasion five years out is awkward for me.  In so many ways I've "moved forward" with life, but I'm deeply mindful of how this loss has shaped my life since.  I cannot pretend to understand God's plan anymore today than I did on December 6, 2007, but I can say I trust Him now more than I think would be possible otherwise.

I've learned so much, most importantly about how I love others, and more accurately  how I'm called to love others.  I do not always succeed, but as I look at my Savior, I value being truly present with others, pressing in, asking hard questions, being willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of another, being willing to simply sit in pain or grief or difficult circumstances.  Loving those God has given me with abandon.  

As I look back on the very dark days early on and see the progression of how Light was steadily shining even in my darkness - I'm humbled and thankful.  I don't know the whole story - but I'm so thankful for the parts that I'm given.

None but Jesus.