Wednesday, October 03, 2012

in the mending (part 2)

I hope it's not a bad thing that I'm continually linking to, quoting, or making reference to a host of writers and bloggers.  If nothing else, it makes me feel slightly less odd to know that someone else's words are giving voice to something I'm feeling.

In this case, several months ago Emily Freeman wrote:  "Several years and several moves later, I had learned the fine art of becoming who everyone wanted me to be in order to be accepted. Not in the I’ll-jump-off-a-bridge-too kind of way, more in a I-don’t-rock-the-boat kind of a way. I watched people, learned what got on their nerves, learned what people liked and didn’t like. I wasn’t doing this on purpose. I just really wanted to have a lot of friends. I wanted to be seen as fun. I didn’t want to miss out on anything. Shy didn't seem okay."

Now, I don't think I'm shy - introverted, yes, but shy, no.  But the part of her story that speaks of molding yourself into what you think others want you to be . . . . Yes, that.   That resonates with me. And maybe with most of us?

Forgive my amateur psychologist analogy here, but it's almost Pavlovian.  When we get a good response, a reward, a pat on the back because we fall in line or make only little waves and don't rock the boat, we habituate to that behavior.  Is it innate to the human condition or is it my constitution that is more prone to that?

From taking the first appointment offered at a doctor's office even if it's not convenient for me - and how ridiculous is that when I type it out - to "just doing it myself", those are my grown up versions of getting a reward, no matter how small.  Don't disappoint.  Make it work.  Do the right thing.

When we ruffle feathers or cause disturbance or somehow, someway stand out from the crowd, we don't get the same affirming response.  I admire those who even at a young age do not let others' expectations of who they "should be" and what they "should do" snuff out the light that was born in them.  And there is an extreme on the opposite end of the spectrum from where I normally stand - there are those that intentionally create chaos, or draw the spotlight to themselves.  The ones I admire most are those are simply honest about who they are, their likes and dislikes, their passions, hopes, dreams, understandings, capabilities, and desires.  Again, some people are born with it - and if I might wax prophetic, I believe my Charlotte is one of those.  And I love her light.

That's the place I long to rest:  knowing my Source, my Light, my Strength, my Hope.  Not striving, not arranging; resting in the Way, the Truth, the Light in the way it was placed in me.

This is my much-belated follow up to a writing prompt from Angie Smith celebrating the release of her book, Mended.

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